Our journey to having children was lonely and rocky. It isn't easy to encapsulate the experience, to breathe life into its existence, without being engulfed by it again. But I share our story hoping to bring others even a smidge of comfort; I dare say inspiration, in knowing they are not alone.
Our Story
It was 2015, we had been married a year, and marriage equality had finally been deemed the rule of the land. As the end of the year rolled around, being the pragmatic people we are, we looked into our options for expanding our family with insurance assistance. Living in the Southern United States gave us few options for assisted reproductive support. Then, by the end of 2016, a glimmer of hope - Danielle's employer finally included reassuring language in an updated benefits letter, combined with all the savings we continued to muster, and ultimately could move forward with over a year's worth of plans.
I was pregnant from the first IUI (more helpful information regarding terms and common questions regarding the process read on our Reproductive Assistance blog post) and was ecstatic and relieved. We still didn't tell anyone but our closest friends until after 14 weeks and into the second trimester. A bit superstitious in that way. It wasn't a fairy tale pregnancy. We love our family, but coming from traditional southern families, we tried to feel content in the love that we shared. We leaned on our chosen family to lift us when needed, but the journey was still quite lonely as there weren't many rainbow families having a similar experience as our own. Especially as we entered the 20-week anatomy screening, in which the baby looked sound, but my cervix was dilating/thining. The baby was facing down and could have been exposed to infection, and there was a risk of premature birth. It was devastating going through the options with our MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist - you are more likely to see one when over 35 years old and considered having a geriatric pregnancy... anything to take a jab at women aging, but I digress), and we opted to have an immediate cerclage surgery.
The amount of depression I went through the next few weeks, and for years to come, even after we introduced beautiful Arlo to our world, is hard for me to express. Our baby girl was born on November 25th, 2017, fighting for every breath - she was precious and had surprisingly controlled breaths for such tiny lungs. She was a fighter. A trait that rings true to many in our family. She was the fighter, but my body could not accommodate her. When we discovered it would always be an obstacle if I carried, our plans shifted and pivoted in some of the most emotional ways. Though again, luckily, we had hope of staying on the same genetic strategy - Resiprical or Co-IVF.
Light and Love will Always Prevail
Through the journey of becoming a parent, no one can ever expect the profound effect having a loss can have on you, your partner, or your relationship. But with all darkness, there is light. The pain brought us closer. We have now shared advice with friends. Been a support to them in ways that perhaps others without similar experiences cannot. The topic of the loss of a baby while still in the womb is so heartbreaking it borders taboo, but our stories are needed. Sometimes, shared experiences are the only way for one to grieve. To know in your soul... You Are Not Alone.
Together, we can make anything happen for each other.
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